Things have been rough lately with transition emotionally. Not because I regret anything; DEFINITELY NOT. But my brain is changing a lot now, most likely due to the fact that my levels were so low for so long (not intentional).
All of this has brought some unpleasant things to the forefront in virtually all of my relationships. However, I feel like there’s no one I can really talk to or amongst the friends I already have, any that want to listen. I realize that transition is extremely lonely and I knew that going in, but for some reason, I am really surprised by how I feel about that loneliness now.
It was said to me recently that I had an attitude that “everyone was out to get me”. Well, in a way, living in this world as a trans man who is reasonably stealth, I find it hard to NOT feel that way. I tend to feel picked on, misunderstood and projected upon. I also find it not only insulting, but frustrating when I hear through the grapevine that close friends of mine are having issues with me because of my recent change in emotions, but have not approached me about it themselves. This perpetuates an unhealthy cycle, because that kind of walling up makes me feel like communicating less than I already am. I know I should talk to some of the people in my support system, but do you ever get tired of always being the one to approach confrontation with people? Because I do.
Look, I’m not perfect and I’ve definitely had a short fuse and been angstier than usual lately, but I feel like my support system isn’t serving me well, if at all. Thankfully, my dogs love and support me, as does my family.
Another reason this bevy of emotions sucks is because I’m less than three weeks away from top surgery. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in my transition, but instead I feel awful and very low. I find this to be frustrating and feel like I’m being “gypped” emotionally out of an important part of my transition.
I know that once again this entry isn’t very positive, but hey, it’s where I’m at right now.