I got this thought in my head today about testosterone and tears. I often read over the years a lot of guys say that after testosterone, they found crying harder or impossible for a time. Followers of my blog will note that I have had trouble with my levels throughout my transition and I have always attributed my propensity to still be able to shed tears to that.
In reality, I’m a pretty sensitive guy. In fact, I come from a long line of sensitive men. Both of my grandfathers, my dad and my brother are all sensitive men. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I am as well.
That being said, why is it that I give myself shit for shedding tears especially when I can’t help it or when I cry in front of others? Even though I wasn’t socialized as a boy, I knew that it wasn’t “OK” for boys to cry like girls did. And even though now I know that that’s horse-shit, I still feel judged when I do it or when it is recounted that I have done it. I’m not just talking about in a movie folks. I’m talking about real, live emotional situations that occur in life. Hell, I know a LOT of women that cry less than I do, my own mother included.
I realize that this repulsion is a form of insecurity about my own emotions and how my body chooses to express them. I just wish I could find some sort of peace about it inside myself. I know that’s ultimately where it has to come from, but I also think that it would be easier to come to grips with if this type of behavior was seen less as a weakness. I used to think that being able to express my emotions was a good thing that set me apart. Now that my outside, matches my inside, I’m not so sure about that, but really what is the difference? I think the difference lies in how people perceive me and how I even perceive myself.
When I write like this, I often find it hard to wrap it up into a conclusion, so I’ll just say this: facing who I am inside and how my transition has forced me to face who I am continues to be a journey.