Waterworks

I got this thought in my head today about testosterone and tears. I often read over the years a lot of guys say that after testosterone, they found crying harder or impossible for a time. Followers of my blog will note that I have had trouble with my levels throughout my transition and I have always attributed my propensity to still be able to shed tears to that.

In reality, I’m a pretty sensitive guy. In fact, I come from a long line of sensitive men. Both of my grandfathers, my dad and my brother are all sensitive men. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I am as well.

That being said, why is it that I give myself shit for shedding tears especially when I can’t help it or when I cry in front of others? Even though I wasn’t socialized as a boy, I knew that it wasn’t “OK” for boys to cry like girls did. And even though now I know that that’s horse-shit, I still feel judged when I do it or when it is recounted that I have done it. I’m not just talking about in a movie folks. I’m talking about real, live emotional situations that occur in life. Hell, I know a LOT of women that cry less than I do, my own mother included.

I realize that this repulsion is a form of insecurity about my own emotions and how my body chooses to express them. I just wish I could find some sort of peace about it inside myself. I know that’s ultimately where it has to come from, but I also think that it would be easier to come to grips with if this type of behavior was seen less as a weakness. I used to think that being able to express my emotions was a good thing that set me apart. Now that my outside, matches my inside, I’m not so sure about that, but really what is the difference? I think the difference lies in how people perceive me and how I even perceive myself.

When I write like this, I often find it hard to wrap it up into a conclusion, so I’ll just say this: facing who I am inside and how my transition has forced me to face who I am continues to be a journey.

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9 thoughts on “Waterworks

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  1. I found this interesting and I don’t think you should feel ashamed of crying easily. Yes, we have this “boys don’t cry” mentality in our society but that is BS and is part of why so many men are violent. Be glad that you can release your emotions in a healthy way. As for myself, I have found that, since being on T, I seem to feel things on a deeper level and am becoming a big softie in ways that I never used to be pre-T. I attribute it to being free of a lot of my own internal drama so I can be more in touch with other people’s feelings. I don’t cry easier but I seem to feel on a deeper level.

    1. Thanks for your comment man! I’m hoping that the longer I’m on this journey, the more in touch I can be with my feelings and feel less pressured to push them away and that in turn, like you, it allows me to be in tune better with other’s feelings.

  2. My experience has been like yours and Lesboi’s–transition has opened me up to my own experience, and I’m more emotional (or rather, more in tune with my emotions) as a result. I cry more easily and often now than I did before transition. I also have some heavy-duty internalized shame about it. I hate crying in front of others, even my fiancee; I avoid it as much as I can, though I’m completely ok with crying on my own. I think being trans, sometimes it’s hard to give ourselves permission to have any so-called “feminine” qualities. I used to feel like I had to be 2x as masculine as any cis guy to get 1/2 the credit–the experience has an affect.

    I don’t think there’s any easy solution here. I am trying to show myself compassion, to stay present, to take it one step at a time.

    1. I agree 100% that it is hard to give into “feminine” qualities in direct relation to being trans. And I still struggle with being uber masculine instead of just accepting my masculinity for what it is. One step at a time is pretty much the only way I’ve found to do it.

  3. If it helps, I cry more easily and often WITH T than I ever did before it. And I did have some shame about it, but after the first couple of times I broke down in front of my partner or in front of close friends, I learned to accept that it’s a way to express emotions. And it’s okay.

    Good luck!

  4. I’m so glad to have found this post. I think I’m ready to start T soon but one of the things I’m concerned about is the feelings-wall. I’m a pretty sensitive guy too, I cry at the movies ALL THE TIME (like, I cried at the Lego movie. A kids movie about plastic bricks. True story). I used to feel really ashamed and awkward about crying in public, and about being moved to tears, but in the last few years I’ve come to accept it. To be a sensitive soul is a beautiful thing, man!

    1. I was also wondering how T would affect my sensitivity before I started. The only thing I have to add here, is don’t believe everything you hear about T “keeping you from crying”. Everyone is different!

  5. I’m still a blubbering idiot. 🙂 I’m waiting for it to change, the longer I’m on T, but for now I still cry at Hallmark commercials. I’m a super mushy individual by nature.

    Btw, I nominated you for a Liebster Award. 🙂

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