Hello all! Hope everyone had a safe, enjoyable holiday season. For my first post, of the new year, it’s going to get introspective, so let’s dive in.
Last night, I disclosed my status to someone at my new second job. I did it partly because I felt this person could be trusted and also because I perceive some chemistry there.
Here’s the thing: The minute I did it, I regretted it. Not because the reaction was bad or because I suddenly didn’t feel like she could be trusted. I just felt like shit about it. Plain and simple.
I like living my life stealth; don’t get me wrong. However, every time I’ve disclosed like this I feel shame or guilt, paranoia and self-doubt about how that person may perceive me now. I’m not really sure how to deal with these feelings and I know that they’re probably not totally healthy ones.
I sometimes wonder if this would be alleviated by bottom surgery, but no matter how much surgery you have, I personally feel like you should always disclose to a potential partner.
Does this mean that I have some internalized negative feelings about my trans status? Probably. The thing is, I’m not totally ashamed of my trans status, but I would definitely prefer to have been born a cisgender male. I certainly support other transmen and seek out support for myself, I just… don’t like being defined by my trans status either.
Ultimately, I’m sure alleviating these feelings comes down to boosting my own self-esteem and confidence. It’s hard to know where to go though when dealing with dysphoria, feelings of “differentness” and my own definition of masculinity.
Any stealth guys out there have tips or other experiences to share?